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Natasha,
Thanks for bringing the site back. I think it’s great that you take time to interact with people on this level.
My question is, how long do I have to pay for my mistake?
I f#ck*d up! I’ve been with the same girl for 5 years. About 6 months into our relationship I went out with a bunch of friends to a strip club. We drank way too much. Next thing I know one of my friends and I got left with no car. We were both pretty wasted.
One of the strippers offered to take us home after she got off. She dropped my friend off first. Then she pulled up to my apt. She asked if I lived alone. I said no I have a girlfriend. She took that as some kind of challenge. She asked me to kiss her and I said no. She then said I’ll kiss you and unzipped my pants and started giving me a you-know-what.
Sorry to be graphic, but I got there fast and she pulled her head away right at the moment and a mess happened in my pants. I think she did that on purpose.
I walked into the apt. My girl was right there. I tried to run to the bathroom and she stopped me. She got all crazy and asked what I was hiding. She put her hand right there and felt it.
I apologized so many times. I admitted it was all my fault. I told her it wasn’t something I wanted. I’m telling you now, I would never let something like that happen again. She told me to quit drinking and I did. I never go out with my friends. It’s 4 and a half years later and not only does she not trust me, she will bring it up in a fight. She’s also told her close friends and I feel judged every time I see them.
I don’t want to leave her. I love her. But I don’t want to pay for that :15 second BJ for the rest of my life. How long do I have to pay for my mistake?
Carter
Carter,
I agree with what many have said. One mistake doesn’t define a person as a whole. You are definitely more than that isolated incident. However, I can’t agree that it’s time to leave her.
Before I tell you why I don’t think you should leave, I want to remind everyone that a broken trust of any sort can not only hurt, but it takes time to mend.
If you (or anyone reading) had a business partner who allowed some stranger to see your design and as result your idea was stolen, you would be upset. If your roommate was supposed to watch the dog you had for 7 years and left the gate open, allowing a stranger in to take it, you would be hurt.
This person is not a business partner or a roommate. It’s the person you love. She trusted in you, and you allowed a stranger to do something very personal. Although some have said, it’s not your fault, the stripper took advantage of you, I disagree. You should have called your girl and asked her to come pick you up. If things were reversed, I’m sure you, and most guys reading this, wouldn’t want some male stripper giving your drunk girl a ride home.
It seems to me like you know this is all your fault, but I just wanted others to put themselves in your girl’s shoes. Like I said, it hurt her a lot and she is still in a vulnerable place.
The reason I don’t think you should leave is because you told me how much you love her. We already know she loves you because she stayed with you after you walked in the door with #@# in your pants. So, she loves you and you lover her. When you love someone YOU DON’T QUIT ON THEM just because times are difficult. It surprises me how many people claim to love someone but quit so easily.
First, if you haven’t already, you have to tell her that you know you hurt her. Tell her that if things were reversed and a sexual act took place between her and a guy during a ride it would hurt you too. And you have to tell her that you know it will take some time to heal. Those are things you usually need to communicate early on.
This is ALL about COMMUNICATION.
Second, you need to calmly talk to her about how she feels at various stages of the relationship. When you are fighting and she brings it up, allow it to happen for that moment. A few days later, talk to her about bringing it up. AFTER you have heard where she is at with things, let her know that you don’t want her to bring it up when it has nothing to do with the argument you are having. Remind her that you are doing everything you can to make sure that she gets to that place of not feeling so vulnerable again. That’s what all of this is about. It’s not really about her trusting you.. It’s about her getting hurt again. The thought you could hurt her like that again, is paralyzing. If you show her that you care and that you are working on her feelings of vulnerability, you can get her back to a good place.
I think it’s good you backed off the drinking and partying with friends, for now. In the end, a great relationship and marriage can be much more fulfilling than partying at clubs or the strip club. I’m not saying drop your friends. As you get back to going out with them, just give her a call while you are out. Text her while you are out. Make her feel safe for a bit. She will eventually realize that you are a good, caring guy that made a mistake and learned from it. She will get there by your ACTIONS, not your words.
NOTE: In the case that you are with a girl that throws this in your face all the time despite all your efforts, then yes, I’d say you need to COMMUNICATE to her that you will be leaving if you are not given the chance ever to be in a forgiving and growing relationship. But, I would only walk out on someone that I love after I had honestly tried everything I could to help them heal. Especially if I was the one that hurt them.
Finally, she needs to STOP talking about this to her friends NOW. Take her for a walk or a little dinner and tell her that it makes you feel like shit to be judged. Tell her that this is an issue between you two. Let her know that you wouldn’t talk about private matters regarding her to your friends, especially embarrassing things.
I wish you guys the best. Keep us updated. And stay in there! (Unless you are being totally mistreated.)
IMYAGirl,
Natasha
P.S. – Thank you all so much for your comments. I love reading your views. I hope you don’t feel like I was disagreeing just to be different or argumentative. I just believe that when it comes to love, you should try your hardest before quitting. It’s during those times, you will learn or teach the most.
If you would like my advice, please submit your letter to advice@imyagirl.com
