Dear Natasha,
I wanted your opinion and advice. I have a new girlfriend. We have been seeing each other for 8 months. In the beginning she seemed to be open minded and not jealous. I told her that i was friend’s with my ex and she was okay with it. I thought that was a good thing because I want to remain friends with my ex. She and I were together for 6 years. We didn’t make a great couple, but we do make really good friends. I talk to my ex about once a week like all my friends.
Now that we are 8 months in my new girlfriend has a problem with it. She asks me over and over why I need to talk to her all the time. I said I don’t need to, I like to. She says stuff like, ” then why didn’t you just stay with her.” She also said, ” What is there to talk about? You’re in a new relationship so you’re going to end up talking about me…and I don’t like it.
Everything in me is telling me to not dump friends just because she has insecurities, but I also don’t want all this b.s. drama. What is your opinion on people remaining friends with there ex? And since mine has such a problem, what should I do?
Todd
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Dear Todd,
I know a lot of guys like to fight this on principle because “no one is gonna tell me who I can or can’t talk to.” Myself, I always try to consider the other person as well as myself. That’s what a relationship is….two people caring for one another and one another’s feelings. Now, I’m guessing that your new girlfriend DOESN’T tell you who you can and can’t talk to. It’s probably just this one person right? And this one person is the one she knows you had strong feelings for. You must have…you were with her for 6 years.
I would’t label her as being jealous. And if she does have some insecurities then welcome to the club of 7 billion people. We ALL have insecurities. And NONE of us are perfect. If everything else about her is wonderful but she gets a little worried because she loves you so much, I’d call her a keeper. And if someone is a keeper…along term possible mate in life, it’s time to show her that you care about her feelings and you are willing to make 1 or 2 sacrifices.
The other thing to consider is this: in 95% of relationships, one person did the breaking up and the other got their heart broken and for a long time will be “holding onto the flame”. Your new girlfriend is smart enough to know, that after 6 years, one of you got dumped. One of you is still holding on to a small possibility. She just doesn’t know which one of you it is.
I’ll admit, 5 % of couples can remain friends with ZERO feelings coming up. Maybe you are in that 5%. Maybe one of you is holding onto something. The unknown has your new girlfriend scared. You need to decide if she is ” the one” because if she is, it’s time to be a little less selfish about YOUR set of friends and consider her feelings. If she is “the one” than she is the one that will be there for you when you are sick, when you get fired, when you need to make love, or let out a big cry. Since she is going to be the one that is really really there for you in hard moments, you should make things a little easier for her now. If she is not “the one” than I guess there is no sense making compromises…you can just have it all your way and tell her to deal with it. If that is the case, I hope you will tell her so that she can find a man that really does adore her.
A final thought: If you were my man, and I saw that you were sensitive to the few insecurities I have, I would fall more in love with you. Selfish is a hard thing for me to love personally. I hope my perspective helps Todd.
I’m Ya Girl,
Natasha
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